Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
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Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Every work call, he judges.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Name another movie that mislead you?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”