Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
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CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE