People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
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Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
O Wise One….