Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
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Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
White Castle for the Win
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Can’t. About to go please some beans
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?