If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
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Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you