Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
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Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND