[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
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Lmaoo 😂
road rage
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this