Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
u guys got any snacks onboard here
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am