Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
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Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them