My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
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*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
me logging onto twitter
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before