If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
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baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing