ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
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I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!