Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
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My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it