Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
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Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
bury ourselves
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
i can’t wait that long
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
That’s enough internet for the day
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?