[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
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Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets