I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
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My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Chemical wingman
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP