God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
You Might Also Like
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
wish me luck lads
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.