I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
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her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
The fall of Netflix
mariah carrie
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
dude it’s called proctologist
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.