I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
You Might Also Like
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Mmmm canned fish.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.