[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
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Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies