My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
You Might Also Like
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I am never leaving this website
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.