I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
You Might Also Like
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department