If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
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movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.