I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK