My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
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The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey