this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”