I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”