I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
You Might Also Like
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
But wait…
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.