I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
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I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.