Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
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An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.