*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
You Might Also Like
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.