Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
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to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Me trying to walk in a dream
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good