[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
SCARY COSTUME
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
not to brag, but mine was free
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.