This kid is a star!
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WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My blood type is coffee.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.