If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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oh my god
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
estão todos miauvindo?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Every work meeting this week
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like