commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
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Try and stop me.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*