The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
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[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
#Caturday
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Good morning.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
kevin is now a local weatherman
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!