My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
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We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
when u come home smelling like another dog
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!