[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Fight
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.