does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.