Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
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5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Every damn time
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”