When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
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Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty