ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
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ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud