Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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“How’s your day going?”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Chicken bread
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”