girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
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*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Who’s your best friend?
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.