teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
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wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS