There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Spa day..😅
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
This is my favorite one of these!
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room