Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
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[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant