My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
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*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade