can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
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What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.